


Under the same sky

by missabigriffin



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Chronic Pain, Depression, Disordered Eating (mentioned/hinted), F/F, F/M, Getting Clean, Low Self-Esteem, Modern AU, Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Withdrawal, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-09 20:23:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18645442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missabigriffin/pseuds/missabigriffin
Summary: After trashing the bathroom and bedroom she finally finds them: in his office, hidden in his safe, to which she knows the code.„Not so clever, are you now, Detective Kane?“, Abby whispers and takes a few with shaking hands. She closes her eyes the minute they touch her tongue. Grabbing Marcus leftover bottle of water (that he always forgets to take with him), she swallows her pills as fast as she can. Fuck, she needs this— so much.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! Do NOT read if you get easily triggered by addiction, mentions of disordered eating and problems with food, slight suicidal thoughts, feelings of unworthiness, etc.
> 
> Otherwise, please enjoy!
> 
> p.s. English isn't my mother tongue. I'm sorry for any mistakes.

**CHAPTER ONE**

 

She felt the buzzing, the craving for her pills in her entire body. She knows he’ll be disappointed, but he doesn’t know what it’s like to be depended on something— to be addicted. Jackson doesn’t know either. He just knows the theory from medical school— like she used to, until she got hooked.

Abby dashes through her house, trying to find Marcus hiding place for her pills.After trashing the bathroom and bedroom she finally finds them: in his office, hidden in his safe, to which she knows the code.  
„Not so clever, are you now, Detective Kane?“, Abby whispers and takes a few with shaking hands. She closes her eyes the minute they touch her tongue. Grabbing Marcus leftover bottle of water (that he always forgets to take with him), she swallows her pills as fast as she can.  
Fuck, she needs this— so much.  
A smile spreads across her face, that was soon replaced by a grimace. Even though she took the pills, withdrawal symptoms can still set in before her body gets what it needs to stabilize. She sprints to the toilet and closes the door with a bang behind her.

Looking into the mirror, Abby sighs and continues to wash her hands. She needs to clean everything up before Marcus gets home. Drying her hands on a towel, Abby gets to work.While she cleans, she starts to sort things out they don’t need anymore— things _she_ doesn’t need anymore. It’s a perfect excuse if Marcus gets home early.

 ***

Two hours later she hears the telltale sounds of his car coming up the driveway. She’s nearly done with their bedroom. Cleaning the bathroom went faster than she would have thought— and she actually accomplished something: she found old teeshirts, pants and all sorts of clothes she doesn’t need anymore. She did a pile for Marcus so he can sort them out and decide for himself what he needs of it and what can be given away to shelters or charities.  
She doesn’t get up when she hears him come up the stairs and continues to sit on the ground; cross-legged and folding clothes.  
„Hey“, she hears Marcus behind her and turns around with a smile, „Hey honey.“  
He knees behind her and kisses the top of her head. „What are you doing?“  
„I cleaned a bit. I made you a pile too. I just didn’t know what you need and what not.“  
Marcus looks amused, then shakes his head. He gently strokes her hair as he gets up.  
„How was work?“ Abby is looking down at her clothes at hand, folding them neatly.  
„The usual, nothing out of the ordinary.“  
She sees him move and inspect the bedroom and bathroom. He always does this, checking if she looked for her pills. And today she did. The first three days she endured the craving, the buzzing, the shaking, the sweat and cold and the bloody diarrhea, to get clean. Just today she couldn’t do it anymore. And if she’s honest, she’s not ready to get clean yet. But Marcus doesn’t understand nor does he care. He just wants her to be clean for his own benefit. Like usual.  
„Something wrong?“ He stands in the doorframe with his arms crossed.  
„Nope,“ she looks up at him with a smile and she knows he doesn’t believe her.  
She can see it on his face, in his eyes: he’s disappointed.  
He knows. He always does.

He leaves without a word and she knows where he goes. Abby closes her eyes, breathes deeply in and out and feels the heaviness settling on her chest.  
She’s such a screwup, a disappointment. She can’t do one thing right. Nor one single thing. Clarke hates her, Marcus hates her, Jackson, Callie, Indra. Raven— everyone.  
She’s— a sob escapes her lips. She clutches her just neatly folded clothes against her chest, trying to calm her herself down.  
Suddenly she feels Marcus arms around her as he takes her into his arms.  
„I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,“ she mutters against his shirt.  
He rocks her back and forth, shushes her and kisses her head. „It’s okay. I’m not mad. It’s okay, love.“

They stay like this long after Abby had calmed down.  
„I’m sorry, Marcus.“  
He gently pushes her gin with his index up so her eyes meet his.  
„I know that you’re trying. And I know that you think that I’m disappointed, but I’m not.“  
Of her ‘don’t-bullshit-me’ look he continues with an embarrassed smile. „Maybe I’m a bit disappointed, but that doesn’t change the fact how much I love you. You’re doing your best and I’m sorry I can’t be there for you like I want to.“  
Abby takes his hand in hers and kisses its palm, before she kisses his cheek. „Thank you.“  
„Always, love. Until death do us part, remember?“  
She smiles, nods and then slowly gets up.  
„I’ll clean myself up. Why don’t you start dinner?“  
„Alright.“  
Before he leaves, Marcus gives her a kiss.  
„I love you.“  
She smiles and watches as Marcus leaves their bedroom. Abby takes her phone from the nightstand and goes into their bathroom, shutting the door behind her.  
Sitting on the toilet lid, she scrolls through her favorited sites until she finds what she’s looking for. She adds a great amount of pills into her cart and checks out. Delivery will be tomorrow around noon, long before Marcus gets home. Bless express delivery.  
„Abby?“ Marcus shouts from downstairs. „Dinner is ready!“  
„Gimme a second!“  
She washes her face in record time, brushes her hair and puts on her comfy pjs, then joins Marcus downstairs.

 ***

After dinner they decide to watch a movie. They cuddle up on the couch, Abby’s head on Marcus shoulder, her legs over his.  
„I love you,“ she whispers softly and kisses him on the corner of this mouth, „so much.“  
He looks at her and smiles. A big happy smile she hasn’t seen for a while.  
„And I you.“  
Abby pulls him closer and kisses him deeply. She wants him at least one more time before he denies her again. Is she being selfish? Yes, absolutely.  
Biting gently on his earlobe, she moves against him. „Please, Marcus.“  
He groans, lies her on her back and kisses her deeply, while hooking her leg over his hips. His hands roam over her body, then slipping inside her pants and sending her to heaven with everything that follows.

 „Thank you,“ she’s trying to catch her breath. Marcus chuckles beside her and kisses her temple. „My pleasure, Mrs. Kane.“  
Abby laughs and hits him gently across the chest. „Alright, Mr. Kane. It’s time for bed.“  
„You go ahead. I clean up and then join you.“  
„Okay.“  
She puts his shirt on and makes her way upstairs. Abby makes a short detour into Marcus’s office. She sneaks inside and takes some more pills.  
Back in the bathroom she puts them into her makeup bag. She takes one into her mouth and swallowed it with a sip of water.  
Last but not least she brushes her teeth and climbs into bed as her eyes start to feel extremely heavy.

 ***

Abby wakes up to the doorbell ringing continuously.  
„Fuck!“ She jumps straight out of her bed and runs down the stairs, kind of skitters to the door, as good as one can skid without socks, and pulls it open with a force.  
The mailman looks at her perplex before he smirks.  
„Good Morning, Ma’am.”  
„Morning,” Abby smiles at him, signs the tablet he holds damn close in her face and takes the package. „Thank you. Have a nice day!“  
He nods as Abby closes the door in his face and closes her eyes in embarrassment. She’s only wearing Marcus’s shirt.  
She rips the package open and finds two pill bottles inside— and smiles. With both of them in her hands she walks in the kitchen, gets herself a glass of water, opens the bottle and takes one after the other. God, she was craving them so much. Just looking at them makes her body wants them even more.  
„Fuck it” she fills a bottle with water, heads upstairs and sits on her bed, but not before hiding her pill bottles and taking some out for her to take; which she does.  
She starts to feel the effect of her pills a few minutes after. She noticed, that if she takes a large amount of her pills in one go, the sleepiness, the slow breathing, the heavy eyes and dizziness sets in faster.  
And that’s what is happening right now. Hiding the current bottle with the other ones, she goes to the toilet one last time before she hops into her bed and closes her eyes. Maybe this time she gets lucky and won’t wake up.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next time she wakes up, she feels someone stroking her hair.  
> “Sleep, I’m right here.”  
> She doesn’t respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Thank you so much for all the kudos.  
> This and the next chapter have a trigger warning for a hint at a suicide attempt, so please read with caution.

**CHAPTER TWO**

 

Her eyes flutter open, the tiredness is still present in her entire body. All she wants to do is sleep.

The next time she wakes up, she feels someone stroking her hair.  
“Sleep, I’m right here.”  
She doesn’t respond.

Abby opens her eyes and sees a figure lying beside her.

It’s 10pm when she gets out of her current state. She’s still tired, but not as tired as before.   
She notices that Marcus sleeping beside her, slight remembering that she saw someone sleeping beside her when she woke up for a few hours ago.She doesn’t even know how long ago it truly was. Could have also just been minutes.  
Marcus looks so peaceful. With a smile on her face she makes her way into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She takes the last remaining pills from her makeup bag and swallows them, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again— okay, she would, it would just take more time.  
She flushes the toilet, washes her hands and climbs back into bed.  
With a rueful smile she strokes Marcus’s cheek. She hates disappointing him.

 *** 

It’s 6am in the morning when she wakes up once again. Marcus is softly snoring beside her, one of his leg is covered, one isn’t.  
Abby shakes her head amused. This ridiculous man. She looks at him for a while, until she gets up to takes a shower.

In the bathroom she discards her clothes in the laundry basket, turns the shower on, feels the temperature with her hand and gets in when the water is to her liking.  
She closes her eyes and lets the water hit her body and face. After a while, Abby turns around and opens her eyes, then starts to soap herself. She loves to stand under the warm jet of water, since it is a place where she doesn’t have to thinking about anything at all.

Half an hour later she’s done.  
Fully dressed and her hair up in a ponytail, she leaves the bathroom. Marcus is nowhere in sight. He is most likely downstairs or he went for a jog. He never leaves for work before the clock strikes 8am sharp.

Walking downstairs she hears him sing in Spanish. She loves it when he does that. Rounding the corner she sees him make breakfast, swaying slightly to his own tune.  
Crossing her arms, she leans against the doorframe and just watches him with a smile. He may be an idiot, but he’s her idiot.  
Marcus tries to flip the pancake with the pan, but he wasn’t very successful. A laugh escapes her, so she quickly covers her mouth with her hand and continues to chuckle.  
Marcus shoots her a look, mostly amused.  
“Morning. How long have you been standing there?”  
“Not long enough.” Abby makes her way over and kisses him on the lips. “Good Morning.”  
He gestures to her ponytail with the spatula, “Haven’t seen you wear your hair up like this for a while. I love it.”  
“I thought you love my hair more when I wear it down.” A smirk graces her lips as she slightly pokes him in the chest.  
“Especially when we have sex,” he leans closer and whispers in her ear, “and I love to run my fingers through it and hold you in place, Mrs. Kane.”  
Abby shivers when he kisses her neck.  
“But no matter what hairstyle you wear, you’re always the most beautiful, most sexy woman I have ever seen.”  
Abby blushes slightly. She’s not good with compliments of any kind, so she kisses him deeply, then puts some distance between them.  
“Back to the pancakes, Casanova.”  
He salutes with a grin and all she can do is shake her head. While Marcus continues to cook, she starts to set the table.

She slowly start to feel withdrawal kicking in. It isn’t so bad that she has to go and take something for it. Does she want to? Hell yes!  
But she can wait until Marcus leaves for work.  
“Abby?”  
“Hmm?” She turns around and looks at him.  
“How many pills did you take yesterday?”  
She stiffens and her blood runs cold— until she feels the heat on her face.  
“Not that much,“ she mumbles, tracing lines on the wooden table with her index while she looks down.  
“I haven’t seen you like this since the last time you had an awfully bad day.”  
“I’m sorry,“ she whispers.  
“Are you?”  
Her head snaps up and she looks him in the eyes. Her cold, distant mask is back on.  
“Are you sorry?” She counter questions him.  
“Do I have to be?”  
Abby snorts and shakes her head in disbelief. “Do you?”  
“Why don’t you just give me a simple and straight forward answer, Abby? I’m in no mood to play your games.”  
She stares at him for a while. “Your pancakes are burning.”

With that she rushes upstairs, takes a pill bottle and grabs a bottle of water from underneath her bed and then makes her way out of the front door, not stopping for a second when Marcus calls her name repeatedly.

 *** 

She finds herself at her favorite spot in the forest. It’s a beautiful clearing with a small lake. She and Marcus came here a lot when they first started dating; and after they got married as well.  
But when her addiction started to take over, she came here more and more by herself. Marcus didn’t want to have anything to do with her at first, because he had no idea how to talk to her or treat her. She couldn’t blame him back then and she can’t blame him right now. She just wished he’d asked her what she wanted and not decide for her.  
Because she has to want it. If she only gets clean because he wants her to, she is bound to relapse anyway.  
Abby opens her pill bottle with shaking hands. She’s crying. Frustrated she wipes them off with her sleeve, then she takes some of her pills to numb her pain. It’s the only thing that helps her. She wouldn’t go as far as saying that they understand her, but they’re the only things that don’t judge her in any way.

She never told Marcus why she continued to take them. He thought after her accident and when she got better, that all was well. Just that it wasn’t.  
Her headaches continued to stay and there was nothing she could do: except pain medication in form of opioids.  
What no one about her knew that she was prone to addiction, because her father was an alcoholic. But it went downhill for her after she lost a young patient. She blamed herself and the pills were the only thing keeping her sane.  
Marcus doesn’t know _all_ of this, besides her depression and losing a patient.  
She became severely depressed after Jake died and Marcus helped her during that time as good as he could. Abby believes she started to fall for him slowly a year or two after Jakes accident. And then one day, when they were both a bit too drunk at Callie’s Christmas party, they kissed on her front porch, when he brought her home. Marcus stayed the night and history wrote itself.

Without a second thought she lies down and closes her eyes, listening to the birds and nature around her. 

***

Abby get woken up by the sun tickling her nose. Looking at her phone she realises it’s nearly 1pm. She groans and sits up. Ducks are swimming in the lake, birds are flying by— she loves this place so much, but she should get back. Marcus is probably at work by now; he should be at least.  
  
Walking onto her driveway, she sees Marcus’s car standing in his usual spot— great. Sighing she makes her way to the front door, unlocks it and walks in.  
She hears giggles coming from the living room— her giggles. Rounding the corner she spots Marcus in front of their TV, watching some of their videos. Currently he’s watching the one from their honeymoon. It makes her feel like she’s already dead to him, like he has given up on her.  
„What are you doing?“ She cautiously asks.  
He just shrugs, not sparing her a glance.  
„Marcus…,“ she doesn’t know what she wants to say. She just wants him to look at her.  
But he keeps his eyes stubbornly fixed on the screen.  
Abby takes a few steps inside the room and stops beside him. That’s when she notices his tears and the way he’s looking at her. Not her per se, but the version of her before the addiction started. The version of Abby he fell in love with. Tears are starting to prick in her eyes, her throat is closing up and her chest feels incredibly heavy.  
„I’m sorry.“ It’s all she can choke up before she flees upstairs, silent tears streaming down her face.

Slamming the bedroom door behind her, she sits on the bed, several pills in her hands.  
„I’m so sorry“ she whispers to no one but herself.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s all my fault.“  
> He shushes her and helps her up once her stomach settled down. With his help she brushes her teeth, then lies back into bed. Marcus sits beside her, gently stroking her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, life was busy.  
> Please let me know what you think of this story so far. As always: comments and kudos are very appreciated.

**CHAPTER THREE**

„Abby?“, Marcus’s voice sounds frantic as it comes through the fog, that is currently surrounding her. „Baby, come on. Please don’t do this.“  
She groans, feeling the nausea hitting her. Yet she can’t bring herself to move or do anything. She’s too tired.  
„Okay, come on“ he gently lifts her up and carries her to the bathroom, sitting her in front of the toilet. He leaves her for a second, then she feels him tie her hair in a messy bun. And that’s when her body recoils and she throws up. Abby rests her head on the cold toilet seat. She feels a bit better.  
„I’m sorry“ she mumbles. „I’m so sorry, Marcus.“  
He strokes her cheek and kisses her temple. „I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have acted the way that I did.“  
„You—“ she turns her head into the toilet and throws up again. Marcus dabs her sweaty forehead with a cold cloth and rubs her back.  
„You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s all my fault.“  
He shushes her and helps her up once her stomach settled down. With his help she brushes her teeth, then lies back into bed. Marcus sits beside her, gently stroking her hair.  
„Please don’t scare me like this again, Abby. I can’t lose you.“  
Tears are welling up once again. Abby interwinds their hands, kissing the back of one of them. She still feels groggy and the fog is still surrounding her.  
„I’m sorry. I felt like you already had given up on me… so I didn’t want to burden you with myself anymore. I thought I could set you free of the mess that I am.“  
Brushing the tears from her face, and totally ignoring his own, he leans forward and kisses her forehead. „You’d never be a burden to me, Abigail.“  
Clutching his hand, she sobs into the pillow. „It’s all my fault. It’s my fault.“  
„It’s not your fault, love.“  
„But it is.“ She can barely speak.  
„Sleep, I’ll be right here. Don’t worry.“

She wakes up a few times, but then falls back into sleep.

The next time she wakes up, she feels a lot better. Still tired, but the heaviness on her chest is gone. She’s amazed how her body keeps on fighting the medication. Her body wants her to live while her brain wants her to die.  
Turning on the bed, she sees Marcus sleeping beside her, just like he promised. Abby gently caresses his cheek, which wakes him up.  
„Hey,“ Abby smiles at him, then learns forwards and kisses his cheek.  
„Hey,“ Marcus strokes her cheek, his smile mirroring hers. „How are you feeling?“  
„Better. Out of the woods.“  
He lets out a sigh of relief. „That’s great. I was so worried about you.“  
„I’m sorry. I truly am, Marcus.“  
He pulls her towards him and puts his arms around her. Abby snuggles into him and sighs. She falls asleep in an instant.

***

The next morning Abby wakes up to an empty bed. She gets up and showers before going downstairs, where she finds Marcus sitting at the table, drinking a cup of coffee.  
„Morning,“ she walks over to him and gives him a kiss.  
„Morning,“ Marcus smiles at her and hands her a plate with food.  
„Thank you.“  
She sneaks a strawberry into her mouth, then makes herself a coffee as well.  
„How are you?“ She hears him ask from behind her. Turning around, she shrugs.  
„Better? Numb, guilty? I don’t know, Marcus. I’m such a mess and you deserve so much better than me.“  
She watches him get up from his chair. He walks up to her and cups her face with his hands.  
„Abby, I love you. All versions of you.“  
„Even this version?“  
„Even this one.“  
„Okay.“ She takes his hands in hers and smiles. She can’t really believe him, even if she wants to.  
Taking her cup of coffee she walks into the living room, grabs a book and makes herself comfortable on the couch.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank You for reading.  
> Kodus and comments are very much appreciated.


End file.
